Compiled from three documentation periods. Peter's words only. All AI replies removed. This is raw input organized chronologically for use with a personal therapist.
Documented in real time via ChatGPT. These are timestamped entries capturing daily life hour by hour across roughly three weeks, ending with an ER visit for diverticulitis.
See QoL-complete.md for the full timestamped record (5,700+ lines). Key entries summarized below by day.
Note to therapist: The full QoL log is available as a separate document. It is a real-time record of my daily tasks, physical state, and household dynamics logged as they happened. It documents cooking, driving, childcare, meltdown management, my physical deterioration, the ER visit, and the pattern of my wife's presence and absence throughout. The timestamps alone tell a story: entries at 6am, noon, 3pm, 6pm, 10pm, midnight, 3am. No breaks, no handoff.
Documented via Gemini across roughly a week. Includes session prep, live incident logging between sessions, and attempts to draft communications to the couples therapist. My words only.
I need help quantifying my daily task list this is to assist my marriage therapy
one primary issue is that my wife and i do not agree on what is necessary. things like the homelab etc are not valued by her. i make al lthe money by having the onely job (hich pays for her business), i run all post-office type errands, buy all groceries, cook all meals, i maintain the kitchen (counters, dishes, etc), i wake up with the kids and am present for them in the mornings. i take kids to all appointments and errands. basically i make all the money (only fulltime job), i run all the errands that require physical effort not internet ordering... this task feels overhelming though... I do not want your input or analysis on this. just help me quantify my task.
id say also, that managing the food/cooking is an ultra high-stress and high-effort task. beteen my dietary issues related to celiac/chrons and both of the kids ARFID/picky eating, this is a huge amount of work. particularly around the food. i have to figure out how to feed 3 people (other than myself) who typically require 3 separate meals... one of which i have to go get for my wife from the salad place and often times, this does not leave time and energy for me to even prepare something for myself
this does not account for my wife's list or labor
she handles most management though. all bills, scheduling, insurance, doctors calls, etc... i need to make sure im including this and accounting for its neceessity and value
the issue im having at the moment is this feels very subjective.
making statements like " producing 12 unique meals a day, running 100% of physical errands, and funding 100% of the life, while your 'Self-Maintenance' (meals eaten) is at 30%, the subjectivity vanishes." may be true but highly inflamatory
i pay for yard service and pool service
"funding' feels manipulative here. this moves to a bills/scheduling task
" 3.0x Divergence Factor (3 unique plates prepared per sitting)." is manipulative. this is not the case for every singl emeal.
you cannot invent data. this is important.
this feels like im setting us up to fail. maybe a time-based tracker makes more sense? this prevents us having to presort into 'buckets'?
im not sure ho to account for the mental load of tasks for either of us
so as an example, im thinking of my job. this is a single line-item. but i am a software engineer and ux/systems architect. my job is a huge daily lift that requires recovery ad takes 8+ hours every day... not even considering that i have to leave midday to deal with therapies, appts, etc... so not only do i have a lot on my plate, but i have to interrupt tasks ith other tasks.
and also a factor, the baseline state of me being the default is causing me to systemically underperform at my job
also a factor is my homelab work. im sure my spouse considers this hobby in reality its prof development.
we had session and it was very stressful and adversarial. i have a week to prep and log.
now, just to be clear, we are both feelng this way. im not trying to say im correct. im trying to craft a path to a place where we both feel like we can survive and we both feel considered by the other
also, she acnoledged in session that i do indeed do all earning, cooking, shopping, errands, etc... from my perspective. the 50's idillic household was split into 2 roles and i feel like im doing most of both... is that crazy that i cannot figure out how im doing it and we both are still overwhelmed
one thing i can already see in reply is that she'll claim that i just need to eat and make sure i have hat i need tin to eat, but 1 the running state of stress makes me sick (chrons) so i cant eat, i dont have energy to prep something, and my dysregulatreion at the hands of our life makes me unable to tolertate most foods (im nd too).
i think mentioning the effect of being the one in the high-sensory and stress environment effects things too. her default envionment is calm and quiet (despite interruptions and intrusions) for me it is the opposite. my default enviornment is me taking it in the face
"alongside morning child routines." this ill be met with "i help get them ready for school" referring to the .5 hour she's up on eekday mornings to make my sons smoothie
no, she participates in helping the kids emotionally and logistically as ell. but she gets back in bed as soon as "her items" are checked. its still on me to get them to the bus/school and it makes me late to job every day. not horribly but 15/20 mins and it adds up. it starts my day stressed every day. and generally our life keeps me in that state so its really hard to focus on job
i also dont have an office/desk. this means i do not have anyplace for any of my things. she constantly rakes me for this. im cluttering up the house but i have noplace. this means i shoudlnt exist but to serve
i had to collapse my desk in the garage so i could put storage there. no she yells at me that i shouldnt have collapsed my desk but doestn acgnoledge the stuff that replaced it and that it doesnt have ay other place to be
Randi's (wife) alarm doesnt go off until at least 11 and she typically oversleeps it. the framing is that she's up doing logistical stuff till 4 or 5 am.... she says she does this cause she cant focus during the day... but this leaves me to be the default person to take the high-impact hours
she tells me i cant afford things like the higher tier of claude to study for work, but she gets takeout every night....
And "early morning 4-5 am" is not accurate. she works overnight until then this additionally positions her to be maximally depleted when she get us for weekday mornings (doesnt get up at all on weekends)
I also think that this puts her in a state of chronic depletion as well
What i keep coming back to is, if i showed up like that, the entire thing would collapse
now, in session it has been framed that she avoids the house because i make the environment toxic. i maintain that by the time she gets up for the day and/or gets into the house, im so far into burnout that i cant be any other way
Here is the kind of baseline that I've arrived at... in any other situation I would be considered a disabled person who needed considerable support. not only do I get no support but I'm supporting everyone else
I think calling out the single ER event is a mistake as it happened multiple times
and yes. i think if i frame this from the perspective of slipping into my systems design role, it'll be more pallatteble
lastly, part of my career is prof dev. i am studying ai to stay ahead of the market so my job doesnt get replaced. if i dont study, im out of a career soon.
i have celiac, diverticulosis/itis, chrons, cptsd, nd
And i know referring to myself as the primary operator will start a fight.
And right now I'm experiencing the perfect human example. I just had a very stressful day at work... I got there late due to the morning routine... I had to stop for our couples therapy... Sadie had in house therapy... the last hour of my day I spent meeting with the owner of my company... and now I'm trying to transition to shift to night time headspace and I'm struggling
That is the whole issue. 20 mins is now inasequate. im in collapse
and as an example... i just went into the garage and said that i intended to go in the shower. she already told me there was pizza in the fridge that the kids could eat for dinner. this is a gluten meal that she'd typically serve thekids so my assumption was that she's be doing it. when she heard my plan she had a very visible reaction. i asked what the issue was. she said thereis no issue (with attitude and without eye contact). i asked what the issue was and she repled "pleas leve me alone". i asked what the issue was and she repeated to leave her alone. i asked why i had to leave her alone and she said she just wante dme to.... i said if tehre was an issue that i wasnt hinking of to tell me. she just said leave her alone. i tried to cooperate. i dont know what to do anymore
she'll fight details like Our current architecture defaults 100% of the Real-Time Execution. she'll say "youre saiing i dont do anything". its a false equiv but i need to be prepared for it
randi's schedule "involves overnight work" because that is waht she chooses
then at every oportunity randi says "i didnt tell you to collpase your desk"
Took my shower And i still am getting her salad
But that's the thing I can't be done the kids need to be taken care of tonight and wound down and put to bed
7:18 PM she just called me from the office and asked what was going on with their dinner..... i said you just have to make it... she replied that "the last you said sadie said she wasnt hungry". i said yes, but they have to eat so make their dinner. this doesnt feel reasonable
I did not say i was in collapse specifically as until she called me she was on the phone with her friend while sewing our sons pants in the garage. now she just came in and said she wasnt making our sons linch smoothie anymore due to him not drinking it again..... this is going to make a big issue with our son now. shes making the pizza now at 7:25 PM
And now our son is struggling to transition from his game todinner. she came into the bedroom and said that she was putting his pizza in the microwave and she went back into the garage. it is now my issue to manage
Out and found he got himself to the table playing on his ipad. i got him to get rid of his gum and i got his food out of the microwave and got him eating. i have to now pay attention to make sure the kids dont have issues while eating.
I just helped our daughter clean up her plate (stressed out by handling gluten). im waiting for son to finish eating.
Typically randi watches startrek with sadie then puts her to bed. i thpically manage daniel and his dysregulation/behavior then put him to bed with struggle. sadie is often also dysregulated and randi handles it
She never really comes back to talk. she generally doesnt speak to me.
Then the only time she wants to talk or plan is at night when she knows im collapsed. then uses my inability to to suggest lack of cooperation
Im eating 2 gf chocolate chip cookies for dinner
My son isnt even done eating yet
I just gave him his pm meds. im trying to get him to clean up but i may have to step in
I got him to clean it (i didnt want to touch the gluten).
8:10 PM she just came out of the garage on schedule
8:23 PM. shes back in the garage and both kids are swarming me dysregulated and bored. they want to play Minecraft in the 10 minutes that Randy is going to be in the garage... I'm here having to hold this boundary with disregulated kids
Theyll go in the garage and she'll just yell at them
Back out at 8:30 PM on the dot. walked past me laying hands over my face and didnt even acknowledge me. just went back inot garage. kids are quiet an doing something
She didnt even put the show on yet. sadie doesnt even know what to expect
I have to get involved again. its not fair to sadie
I went into the garage and asked if she was putting the show on. she with annoyance said yes in 5 minutes. i asked if she had not told sadie 830. she said no i told her 10 minutes. i asked at 820? she said 822 if you need to be that specific... i said that is effecitvely telling her 830 and if you say it to her you need to follow through. sadie is nd. she ignored me.
She came back out at 8:44 PM
I walk outside for 3 minutes and come back in to her kicking daniel out of the livingroom for farting. hes apologizing and begging to be let stay. she refuses. i ask if he can have one more chance. she refuses. hes now dysregulated and needs me to coregulate him.
He is asking to do all things against the rules. games .. tiktok... i have no options
Im in his room now. hes saying goodnight then ill watch tiktok and put him to sleep
9:50 PM. just left his room and they are still watching startrek. ill feed the cats now.
Show ended at 10:00 PM. sadie began looping and getting stuck on not being able to find your library book that needs to be returned next week and her script Randy was just standing there on her phone in the hallway waiting for her to be done I had to step in and get sadie to get into bed
It seems the recurring theme is comfort with others distress
The implication emerging in the discourse in sessions is this is due to my lack of tolerance and dbt is suggested. this seems like an appropriate response to an unreasonable situation to me.
11:00 PM ive been in and out of my sons room trying to get him to settle down. randi seems to still be laying in sadies room
I go into sadies room twice to get her to come out. once she did i told her that he was asking for her. she gave me an incredulous look and asked why. i said i cant get him settled and i thought he was upset about the livingroom earlier. she replied that he cant act this way... i said dont address anything just go in and say goodnight. shes just walked back out not 5 mins later.
She came directly out and is preparing her salad. im sure that is why she told him she had to leave
This is being framed as boundaries in her mind
ok. next morning. i was putting daniel to bed off and on until midnight when he finally fell asleep. i woke up at 5:00 AM (my guess is cortisol). i was able to get back to sleep until 8. after getting back up at 8, i readied sadies lunch, emptied the dishwasher, filled the dishwasher, took out the catfood for tonight, took out the cat food for this morning, drove sadie to the bus, drove daniel to the school... starting work roughly 20 mins late. Randi got up at 8 and got the kids cereals poured and the kids to the table then went back to bed.
i havent gotten my son to school yet. i said drove earlier as i was expecting it to go smoother. its now 9:20 AM, im fighting my son to get out of the bathroom and off his ipad, wife is back in bed not budging. i cant get into work cause i have to manage this and then drive him to school.....
9:28 AM and im first really sitting down for the day. the 1.5 hours of the morning and the stress of the end of it has me reeling. tough to focus on work now. i'll see how long it takes my system to settle
now 10:30 AM and im still struggling to get anyting done. cant focus on anything.
5:05 PM. just stood up and trying to figure out a dinner to put on the table. cant afford takeout again. im exhausted and have to first make a plan, shop, then cook. no commentary or reply please. just document.
Ok i made pastina. sadie had a bagel prepped by randi. i went to the store to get cheese for his pastina, lunch stuff for sadie, and randis salad. i get home, help sadie clean up. randi comes out questioning him and me about a website daniel got in trouble for going on at school today. i was focused on getting daniels dinner on the table and not responding to her. he wasnt cooperating either. she said loudly for everyone to hear that she needed a response so that she could respond to the teacher. I said will respond back saying that we apologize and that will address it and remind the teacher that he is currently transitioning and not medicated so his impulse control is going to be lacking. she said that it was going to be her having to respond not we... inflamatory. we also attempted to address lunch with Daniel we were asking if he was able to get what the lunch menu was ahead of time and he said no. I offered to contact Dr Green which I later did and got the menu. Daniel then began to refuse to eat if I didn't allow him to use my iPad. he got angry and left the room. i went into randi and said he needed coregulation and asked if she could try as he was angry with me and she said no. i went back out and eventually got him to the table. Randy came back out while Daniel was eating and she said something to the effect of wanting him to address his earlier behavior with her. he absentmindedly said sorry. i started adressing the inadequate apology and was trying to walk him through agknowledging what the issue was and she just went back into the office. hes now finishing eating and shes still in the office
She just came out and made him answer about the teacher email. hes giving frustrated answers and she is saying to hurry and answer cause she has other stuff to do. she went back into the office
8:00 PM. son is still eating a second helping i made for him, i emptied the dishwasher, filled it with the dirty dishes
Handwashed his smoothie container after confirming none of the school lunch options were acceptable to him
I just checked in with sadie to see what time her friend was allowed on iPad until her friend said 8:30 so Sadie said that's perfect cuz that's when she watches Star Trek with her mother
Prepared a 3rd serving for him that hes eating now
Took out catfood to defrost for the morning.
I went into the garage for something and she started asking me if i read the teachers full email. i reread it and then randi said it seemed like daniel might not be being honest. i said yes it sounds like hes downplaying but that his story generally jived with the teachers and that randi should just reply that we addressed it.
Just did another flyby pass reminding him to keep eating.
9:44 PM. randi didnt come out at 830 for the show. at 845 when sadie went in to ask randi informed her that they were only finishing the episode they started last night that they already watched 10 mins of. this was not acceptable as sadie couldnt see past that she was promised an episode a night and that wasnt a full episode. i was left to absorb the meltdown in the house. she got increasingly dysregulated and then went into the garage where randi told her to leave. i had to bring her out and to her room and keep her in there despite her continuing efforts to get past me. this went on for 30 mins. randi came out at the end and spoke to sadie. i left and am now putting daniel to bed
10:15 PM i just put daniel to bed then fed the cats. we will see how long it takes him to fall asleep
it is now the next day. i had a terrible night. i got to bed at 1130ish and woke back up at 130 and was unable to sleep again until 330 or so. got up at 8, made sadie's lunch and took her to the bus. came home and took daniel to school. it is now 11:30 AM and im working. i have to leave at 230ish to take daniel to therapy (which kills my entire afternoons productivity at work).
i have to plan dinner also this afternoon so i can get something on the table later that both kids will eat
1:56 PM i just heard randi in the kitchen and asked her if she can arrange for daniel's therapy to be telehealth. she replied asking if i could just do it myself. i've decided to move his appointment to telehealth so conserve energy. i do recognize that it is less effective for him, but i have to begin self preservation
ok it is the next day now. as soon as i was finished work i stood up and got on a call with my sons executive function coach who administered an eval on me. this took 2 hours. as soon as that was done i stood up and ran out to pick up burgers for the family. we ate and cleaned up. at the end of dinner my son had another meltdown over "time" on his ipad. this got physical but did my best to do hat they've been asking and not react. i just blocked and it stopped after 15 mins or so. then the fam put on startreck and then sadie had a meltdown due to us not putting on a second episode.... randi mostly dealt with this. i put daniel to bed. i got to sleep around midnight and was up again at 3:30 AM (my guess is cortisol again). got back to sleep around 5. we overslept again. sadie refused to cooperate and move fast so she missed the bus so i had to drive her. i asked randi to make sure daniel was at the door ready for me when i got back. he was not. i got him out and to school and got back to my computer by around 9:30 AM. im trying to get stuck into work but struggling to focus again...
its 1:00 PM. im working finally and getting work done. im having to start thinking about dinner now.
1:25 PM and randi's alarm is continuing to go off. she keeps snoozing it.
ok... its 4:11 PM. i got both kids in 2 trips and now am dealing with both of their dysregulation while trying to get back to the last hour of my job
ok so i just had therapy with randi and it didnt go well, as usual. and i feel like im and the process is being structurally gaslit by randi. as soon as therapy was over, she went into the garage, being 12:30 PM or so. at that point i had to get up from work (after missing an hour for therapy) and attempt to wake our son, get him breakfast, and then figure out what he was going to get stuck into for the day. this took 45 minutes on top of the hour lost to therapy. when i went into the garage at that point to ask how she wanted to handle the remainder of the day, she just picked up her computer with an attitude and said "i have to come out there right" and i said that i thought i understood that she found that unacceptable as being around me was too much. she refused to make a plan... she just kept saying get away from her and dont talk to her... and parked at the kitchen table. she complained about not being able to bring her computer chair out to the table. i said to just go back into the garage. she said no. i said that martyrdom wasnt what i was asking for and that the last time she sat at the table it was turning her feet purple from poor circulation. she said that i mostly "had the martyr thing taken care of"... She still mostly sat there checked out not even tuning into the additional discussion/argument i continued to have with daniel. she said that if he didnt brush his teeth she'd turn on downtime on his machines. this dysregulated him and he switched into fuckyou mode. she said ok... i then asked if 15 mins could get him to a place that he could brush his teeth without issue and he said yes. he then asked his mother to turn off downtime for 15 minutes and she refused. i asked her if she had not heard the conversation i had with him and she said "no im focused on what i have to do"... i dont see how this is anything but spite.
im trying to be collaborative.... i just dont understand.
now she just realized that our son's glasses got left at school and he needs them for his eye appt later. i said if she txtd the teacher and had the teacher send the glasses to the front desk i'd go up to school and get them. she said "im not comfortable. you can do that if you want" i said that i didnt have her number and that im willing to go up i just need her to txt and shes now ignoring me completely....
and all of this while im working
then "gold exchange" pops up on my calendar... this means i have to take her to exchange her gold at the jewelry store on monday... because she doesnt drive... this is not something she asked if i could do on monday.... im sure she's thinking that it has to happen before we lose the car... but i still continue to feel erased
i do not aim to be combattive. this is a desperate plea for her to see my side of it as i find her week over week, likely unintentionally, taking randi's perspective
i generally feel that randi is willing to downplay my efforts or the impact they have on me to justify her positions. i think there is a real emotional immaturity in play.
and to be told that this is because of my affect, which is a direct result of the system in the home, is akin to reactive abuse
daniel was getting dysregulated. i was trying to talk him through it. she had told him that he had to brush his teeth and that if he didnt she was going to put on downtime. while not unreasonable on the surface, the threat triggered his pda and he went into refusal mode. i was trying to get him to agree to a 15 min transition on the ipad, then brush teeth, then do some schoolwork. randi tuned this portion out. she then said that she wasnt going to turn off downtime and he moaned. i asked had she been listening to my negotiations with him and she said no she hadnt been because she was busy. she then said she wouldnt remove down time but he could request the individual pages he needed. this creates a friction loop for him that is not tolerable for him. the lack of attunement to that in favor of "the rules" prevented him from doing any work... i just dont know how to do this anymore.
and then she starts collecting her clothing at 3:20 PM in the living room from the laundry piles. i asked "you getting in the shower". she replied "yes is that a problem?" with an attitude. i said no, full well knowing that this is going to lead to me having to go back out to get sadie from the bus (missing more work) and then there will be noone to receive and route her when i get in so im once again unable to get back to work. sadie is now freaking out about having to go to the eyedoctor, that she wants to take a shower after her fieldtrip, complaining about everything clearly dysregulated. im completely unable to work.
and now sadie once again tried to come in and complain about something at school and i just said no and directed her out. she started screaming and saying she hated me and why do i act like this.... this is so totally unfair.
she eventually did send the email to the teacher, but never told me. i asked her to send it again 30 mins later and she said she had.
i feel petty sending this....
Verbal processing session with Claude. I spoke freely about what I was seeing and feeling. These are my raw inputs.
I kind of realized something structurally... they all are fundamentally dependent on me they can't survive without me... and they tell me that I talk too much and I constantly narrate... I'm trying to articulate that I'm not complaining and the narration is me trying to get them to see that their needs are putting me in a place that I can't survive... they just keep telling me that they don't want to hear about it so essentially that means that like it's just so fundamentally entitled
it's like I put their needs first because that's what I understand love to be and they put their needs first because it seems that I just don't matter and I'm an expendable resource
I'm completely stuck and I don't know how to even take a step forward
I'm troublesomely independent as a result of my own trauma I can't imagine having to ask people for things let alone not making it easy to ask for help... but I'm surrounded by fucking people who ask of me or demand or function at a level that demands that I sacrifice my own well-being... and then when I try and have that conversation I'm told I'm narrating and I'm the problem
in any other context I would be considered a high needs person
I've always operated on the fact that I've tried to be from my family what the child me needed and never got and somehow I became that and I was taken advantage of again it just seems like I was built for sacrifice
but that's the thing I'm now not breaking the cycle because I did all of the work... and now I'm asking for accommodation and I'm being refused and my life is fucking me up so badly that I can't hold it together and I'm not nice to the people that I love... it's like this fucked up loop
and the loop very much feels like reactive abuse
I fear that I'm watching the dynamics of narcissism play out in my family... I'm really worried that my children are either going to wind up with complex trauma or narcissism
my wife's internal justifications for her behavior are so perfectly calibrated... the family or couples therapist is siding with her
it's almost like my wife is a disabled person she's unable to drive she's unable to cook she operates at a very low level... but she also doesn't have the self-awareness or emotional maturity to face that so... we have to play this farce
my wife doesn't have the emotional maturity to face that she's not an equal contributor and that she has to frame it for herself that she's independent and she's capable and she's good and she's right
I'm just not sure how I can even broach this topic without it going off like a nuclear weapon in my therapy and marriage
is genuinely all of this and now that it's kind of hardened it all just feels like structural gaslighting and narcissistic abuse
it's about modeling shutdown and modeling scapegoating behavior. as well as modeling deeply ungrateful and entitled behavior. how do you get someone to acknowledge that they're existence is only functional due to your accommodating them without being accommodated yourself
it's messing me up as I tried to show the other side I tried to teach my doing
it comes down to accountability and personal responsibility and what we're teaching these kids by our behaviors
my wife is doing her best but when it comes down to it... what are people actually producing... is it wrong of me to take that 1950s perspective? I don't know how else to gauge a baseline and my wife refuses to communicate or is unable
my wife makes decisions that she thinks are the right parenting decisions... she expects me to be the enforcement mechanism
I need structured time with equal time actively parenting because... if I am to step away for my recovery time during her parenting time I need to be okay with her being in the garage and the kids being dysregulated and alone in the house where that's inevitably going to turn into a bad situation
The defense is usually that she's there and she can hear what's going on but that's a reactive state which means the kids need to experience something bad that we have to then fix and have to recover from and our house has a demonstrated history of an inability to recover
to me that's neglectful but obviously I'm looking at that from my own lens I'm open to understanding but I feel like asking me to just accept is not okay either and I think it's just another version of what happens in my marriage
if my trauma is informing my lens asking me to remove the lens without scaffolding is abusive to me
while I'm the one maintaining the operational velocity in the house I'm earning the income and I'm doing the majority logistical housework and errands my state matters
I feel like I want her to understand that she's participating in a mechanical gaslighting
couples therapy is not a vector that has my best interest in mind it very much seems like the couples therapy is set up to support Randi's perspective
you can't heal in the environment that hurt you so I think that's a big part of why my affect is what it is in session because I'm being actively abused and still treated like the problem
you look out for yourself so you ask for help you're told no... I leave and I break up my family... Randi has articulated that she would move back to New York... even the small amount of help I'm getting now... no matter what move I make I'm expected to either tolerate what's being put on me now or it's going to get worse... my children lose access to their mother and then that'll be my fault
I'm in this situation because I cared enough to do it in the first place with the expectation that at some point I would get the same amount of care and love and accommodation but it just became the norm and now I'm threatened with it just being made worse
we're moving to Costa Rica supposedly in July... that's consuming my wife and her time and the taxes for her business which essentially doesn't make any money... we told the kids so now we're locked into this course of action
I have no choice because between what's going on in the country and financial arbitrage... I don't know how I'm going to survive in Costa Rica
my wife and children are developing into the kind of people who will take a shit on you and be mean and awful because you're not doing enough for them at your own expense and the expense on you is not up for discussion... this seems like it tracks with the emotional immaturity of children but...
I tried to show the other side I tried to teach by doing