May 21 - June 13, 2025. Full timestamped record
Peter starts the log as an experiment to evaluate his quality of life. Works a full day at his 9-to-5. After work: sorts dinner for kids, drives to pick up takeout salad for Randi, comes home to daughter refusing to eat and crying. Randi returns to her garage office. Peter gets daughter to sleep, then is sent out to pick up son's prescription (7:30 PM). Gets home at 7:46, fills the dishwasher, takes out trash, gets son ready for bed. First entry to last: 7:12 PM to 7:54 PM, nonstop.
6 hours of sleep. Daughter wakes him at 7 AM with food refusal. Son has tantrum over no yogurt. Peter makes breakfast, packs lunches, drives daughter to school (8:43 AM), comes home to find son still in pajamas, wife in bed (9:05 AM). Gets son to school at 9:35. Works until 11 AM IEP meeting at son's school. Gets call during meeting that daughter threw up at school, has to bring change of clothes. Returns home, works one hour, picks up son early for therapy. Gets daughter from bus. Makes separate dinners (tuna on bagel for daughter, cheeseburger taco for son). Realizes: "often im out of energy after sorting dinners for the rest of them to prepare something for myself." Drives out again at 6:15 PM for carrots at Randi's request, then back out at 6:36 PM for Randi's salad. At 7:59 PM, back to the supermarket for the only cereal his daughter will eat. Puts daughter to bed at 8:49 PM, feeds cats, plays chess with son, puts son down at 9:50 PM.
"I'm not really sure what I'm trying to achieve I think maybe that it's just that this is not just in my head and that this really is an overwhelming amount of work."
Wakes at 6 AM (daughter requested early wake-up for field trip). Dissociated on TikTok for an hour before sleep the night prior. Makes daughter's lunch, gets her fed and dressed and to school. Wife woke momentarily to braid daughter's hair. Son and wife still asleep. 6 hours of sleep. No breakfast, two lattes. Drops wife and son at breakfast (first time alone in the house in "probably more than a year" -- 10:05 AM). Works at kitchen counter while managing son on his birthday. Takes son planespotting at the airport. Picks up daughter from bus. Takes son for birthday balloons. Takes daughter to therapy. "i dont think i've eaten today im just realizing." (4:50 PM)
"honestly, i feel like im holding the roof up and that my wife thinks things are equal just because she feels overwhelmed."
Birthday dinner the night before was stressful. Son irritable throughout. Got son to bed by midnight. Woke before 8 by daughter. Cleans dishes, makes pancakes. Wife still asleep. Both kids dysregulated by 10:15 AM. Wife still asleep at 10:54 AM. Peter mentions celiac disease and stress of constant gluten interaction. Kids' friends coming over. Errand for ear plugs for Weezer concert that evening. Wife goes to garage/office when Peter returns from post office (1:59 PM), says she "has things to do." Peter manages four kids alone. Out of shower at 3:50, wife upset he took "40 minutes." Leave for concert at 4:22 PM.
Concert was a disaster. Wife and daughter had a good time. Son dysregulated by sound and lights (concussion). Peter left early with son, missed Weezer playing the album from his freshman year of high school. "an opportunity I'm never going to have again."
Wakes at 7 AM unable to sleep in even when he could. Deep sadness all morning. Catches himself being mean to daughter.
"not everyone gets to have a nice life."
"my life is beginning to feel sacrificial"
Attempts birthday plane with son at the field. Plane stuck in tree (45 min to retrieve), wheel breaks, plane snaps in half. Son devastated. Peter spiraling. Wakes wife asking for help at 12:33 PM. Son asks to do pottery with mom. Activity falls apart, wife checks out, son dysregulates. By 5:44 PM: "I just came inside and physically hit my wall. I'm dizzy." Horizontal in bed trying to figure out how to get dinner on the table. Gets up at 5:49 despite how he feels. Makes omelets for kids. Drives out for Randi's salad. Eats PB&J standing up.
Son at bedtime: "she doesnt really do anything and could he just wait until im done with his sister."
"put a bullet in my head" -- followed immediately by: "no this is one of my many daily internal collapses that I will immediately recover from because I'm not allowed to collapse"
Realizes he hasn't eaten all day at 8:54 PM. Has PB&J. Cannabis to sleep.
Wakes exhausted at 8:40 AM. Drives to store for milk before kids are up. Nauseous after vitamins at 9:24 AM. Sitting again at 9:30 AM, dizzy, headache. Wife in bed. "if i wake her to 'help' itll just make the day worse." Makes daughter cry while trying to get laundry done. "I'm just so fucking angry and alone" (11:58 AM).
Wife wakes around 11:30 AM. Within minutes of coming out, conflict with daughter. Later: argument with son over seltzer bottle escalates to yelling. Son says to Peter: "she's just not nice to anybody."
"this thread has kind of become a proxy for companionship and relationship for a man who has no one and I find that profoundly sad for me."
2:04 AM: wakes dizzy, can't focus eyes. Wife managed breakfast. Atypically efficient morning. Drives both kids to school. Works. Eye doctor appointments for kids that afternoon. Working in car in parking lot. Home by 7 PM, then immediately out for pizza, then prescriptions, then to Target for daughter's tiara. No dinner, shower, or self-care for Peter.
"life feels like a hostage situation"
Gets himself a burger at 7:43 PM despite guaranteed gluten cross-contamination: "I need to put something in my stomach and I don't have the energy to make something." Burger makes him sick.
Wife at bedtime disrupts son's goodnight, makes him feel bad for not coming to say goodnight. Son says to Peter: "but I give her the feelings." Peter tells him it's not his job to manage anyone's feelings.
Wife's birthday. Peter handles full morning routine. Son goes back to sleep after Peter leaves to take daughter to school (9:03 AM). Wife still asleep. Wakes her at noon per her request. She gets up, makes coffee, goes to garage on phone with friends. Peter picks up both kids, finishes work, makes migas with guac for her birthday dinner. Makes dinner, cleans up, empties dishwasher, fills dishwasher, showers daughter. 8:30 PM, everything done. "I'm starting to suspect that I may be flirting with nd burnout." Kids spend birthday time with wife in garage. Peter excluded. "just sucks that birthday time with the kids has to exclude me."
Got to sleep at 12:30 AM after wife kept him up asking for website help. Son may have strep. Peter calls pediatrician, secures appointment, takes son to doctor. Works in waiting room. Wife got out of bed when they got home (12:30 PM). Makes lunch. Wife handles son's therapy session. Peter picks up daughter. Argument at 4:20 PM because Peter said no to a request while working. Wife takes son's iPad, retreats to garage. Peter left to either let son sit dysregulated or undermine wife. Tries to coparent. Response: "get the fuck away from me" (repeated). Makes dinner. Goes to pick up salad. Doesn't eat.
Wife at bedtime enters son's room, makes him feel responsible for her feelings. Peter tells son it's not his fault. Son: "but I give her the feelings."
"who the fuck groomed me to accept this as love"
Woke at 4 AM, cannabis to get back to sleep. Daughter wakes him at 7. Physical symptoms: headache, bloating, back pain, muscle aches. "im falling apart." Wife still asleep at 10:31 AM, alarm going off and getting snoozed for over an hour. Wife's first words upon emerging at 1 PM are about how the kitchen smells. Argument over plates in cabinet. Argument over Adobe account. Takes daughter to therapy at 4:26 PM, works in waiting room. Gets takeout burgers (gluten cross-contamination again, no other choice). "feel like I'm turning to dust" (7:01 PM).
Wife yells at daughter over cleaning plate. Peter intervenes. Wife: "then manage her." Peter: "because you managing yourself is not an option." Wife storms to garage. Later, son dysregulates, Peter loses patience and curses. Wife emerges: "manage yourself." Peter: "why? noone else is."
Fell asleep in clothing, woke at 1:30 AM. Headache. Making pancakes by 8:55 AM. Wife still asleep. Stomach ache, bloated from cross-contaminated burger. 10:45 AM: makes wife pancakes despite everything. Kids' conflict with wife begins almost immediately when she emerges at 11:44 AM. Peter tells daughter she doesn't deserve to be spoken to badly, loses cool, apologizes. Bakes pumpkin bread with daughter. Back killing him. Helps son with homework (fails, cognitive function too low). Plays Minecraft with son despite not wanting to. Makes dinner (chicken nuggets, rice, salad).
"let's be crystal clear my entire life is self abandonment."
Gets salad for wife. Son at the front door: "not to worry about [the messy counter], he doesn't care, that it's only a problem for me and his mother."
Awake at 1 AM. Cannabis. Awake again. Headache, exhausted. Both kids fed by 8:43 AM. Wife asleep. Minecraft with both kids to generate dopamine for homework. Homework fails after an hour. Two supermarket runs. Works while managing kids. Daughter bored and dysregulated. "im feeling so overwhelmed it feels like dizziness" (4:06 PM). Makes salmon dinner.
"i know you're trying to make me laugh but i'm upset. life goes on" -- daughter (age 7) to her brother after conflict with wife.
Awake at 4 AM. Daughter wakes him at 7:10 AM. Headache, muscle aches, back pain. Considers calling in sick but can't rest (wife in bed, no desk, works from home anyway). Son at school by 9:26 AM. Wife gets out of bed at 12:30 PM, first comment is why kitchen smells bad. Unproductive work day. "every day is the hardest day of my life." Picks up both kids, salad for wife. "I'm so tired I feel dizzy. I'm also bloated." (6:50 PM). Tells wife he's dizzy, winded, in burnout. "she didn't acknowledge anything she just walked out."
Awake at 4:45 AM. Cannabis. Daughter wakes him at 7 AM. Exhausted, tight head, bloated, squatting on kitchen floor trying to summon will to start. Son's last day of school, wants to be picked up by 11 AM. Manages both kids all day (summer begins). Wife argues with everyone within 30 minutes of emerging. Daughter's stomach hurts at every meal now. Peter asks wife to call GI doctor. "it's on my list." Peter asks for cooperation repeatedly. "yeah ok. leave me alone."
"i feel like some combination of crying and screaming. i dont understand how to manage this"
Woke at 6 AM with daughter in bed. Fell asleep on couch, woken again at 9. Physical symptoms: exhausted, bloated, tight head, low back pain. Wife wakes at 11, says she can't help with kids, blames Peter for not arranging camps months ago. Discovers OpenAI may have replicated his product concept. Multiple arguments. Son deeply dysregulated from boredom. Peter takes daughter to playground, friend's house. Makes camp arrangements.
"this is a fucking nightmare." (2:03 PM)
Every takeout place in town calls Peter "Randy" because he picks up her food so often. "I also just kind of realized that it's just even further erasure of me."
Headache and muscle aches. Wife asleep until after 11 AM. Takes son to therapy. Stops work at 5 PM, too unwell to cook. Orders pizza. No dinner for Peter ("there's just no money or energy to make that happen for me tonight"). Wife's salad didn't come with dressing, dysregulates, Peter makes her a vinaigrette while trying to settle his son for bed.
Wife came to bed at 5:10 AM, woke Peter. Back to sleep, daughter wakes him at 8:20 AM. Low back really hurts. Wife asleep until after 11 AM. Wife scheduled kids' camps. Peter takes daughter to therapy at 5 PM (leaves work early). Gets takeout for everyone, gluten cross-contamination again.
Notices he didn't log the prior evening. "running out of stamina for this logging." Physical: exhausted, bloated, tight head, back killing him. Wife still asleep at 10:57 AM. Peter has been cleaning house since 8:45 AM. Son helps with laundry. Back to grocery store. Hasn't eaten by 3:34 PM, gives everything he made to the kids. Executive function crash at 4:03 PM. "complete collapse." Back to grocery store again (forgot items). Makes dinner for three. No dinner for Peter. Wife: "you're not eating again?" Peter: "no, that gives me heartburn and I have nothing left in me to make something else." Wife berates him for not eating but doesn't help.
"The issue that I'm having is that if I don't log it in the moment, it's gone. I'm existing in such a state of burnout that I can't hold it from minute to minute. I can't hold the shape of it."
Put kids to bed. With son from 10:30 PM to 12:30 AM. Asleep at 1:30 AM, awake at 3 AM. Daughter wakes him at 8. Makes pancakes. By 12:15 PM: "I have an extremely bad stomach ache such that I'm not really able to accomplish much. I'm struggling to stay standing." Mostly in bed or on couch all day. By 10:30 PM: "fairly certain that this is diverticulitis." Temperature 99.6. Severe sharp abdominal pain, lower left abdomen. Chills.
"I'm trying to figure out the right thing to do if I go to the hospital the entire family's day tomorrow is fucked. tomorrow is the first day of camp for both kids."
Plans to hold through the night and get kids to camp before going to ER.
3:00 AM: drives himself to the emergency room. CT scan. Discharged at 6:16 AM with antibiotics and pain management. Notes this is not the first time: "this happened in December this happened in November it's just seems to be a part of the cycle of my life." By 3:30 PM, still having to over-function despite ER visit. Drives to pick up daughter from camp, drives wife and son to son's doctor appointment.
"i just dont know how to account for not having anyone to have my back"
Takes sick day with hospital note. Spent previous day in bed. Son doesn't go to camp, also in burnout.
"i was mostly out of commission yesterday. my wife handled most of the night." Back to work. Kids at camp.
First log back after ER. Gut pain. Headache. Son not going to camp. Wife helping with daughter drop-off. Son doesn't want to go to aikido due to concussion. Peter asks Randi to help so he can get to work. Mentions the job pays for the roof and the takeout salads. Response: "fuck you." She goes back to bed. Son finishes eating at 9:45 AM. Randi in bed.
Randi's presence/absence: Consistently in the garage office or asleep. Typical wake time: 11 AM-1 PM. Retreats to garage after brief appearances that frequently result in conflict. Comes out to issue corrections, assign tasks to Peter, or critique. Rarely present for meals, bedtime routines, or sustained child management. Makes lunches or handles a task when specifically asked. Business generates no income.
Physical deterioration (Peter): Headaches (daily by late May), bloating (daily), low back pain (worsening), dizziness, muscle aches, nausea, inability to stand. Celiac disease aggravated by repeated gluten cross-contamination from takeout burgers (only affordable/accessible option). Diverticulitis flare building from June 1 onward, ER visit June 9. Previous flares in November and December. Frequently does not eat (skips meals 2-3 times per week minimum).
The kids: Both neurodivergent. ARFID (avoidant/restrictive food intake). Son (12, autistic, concussed) requires constant regulation support, iPad as primary regulation tool, struggles with transitions. Daughter (7) seeks connection, frequently bored, dysregulates around food and when unoccupied. Both recognize and comment on the household dynamic. Son: "she's just not nice to anybody." Daughter: "your not being nice to me." Son asks Peter to put him to bed because "Mommy has things to do." Both kids show parentification awareness.
Peter's parenting: Cooks all meals (separate meals per child due to ARFID), handles all school drop-offs and pick-ups, manages both bedtime routines most nights, drives to all therapy appointments and doctor visits, handles all errands and grocery runs, cleans kitchen daily, does laundry, manages dysregulation for both kids, plays games/Minecraft for connection, apologizes when he loses his temper, scripts repair conversations, models accountability.
Peter's work/career: Remote 9-to-5 job, sole income. Late to work regularly. Leaves early for therapy appointments. Cannot focus. Takes sick day only when hospitalized. Works from kitchen counter (no desk, wife occupies bedroom). Work quality declining.
Sleep: Typically 4-6 hours. Wakes at 1-4 AM regularly. Uses prescribed cannabis to fall asleep. Wife comes to bed at 1-5 AM, often wakes him. Cannot sleep in even when possible (body trained as default parent).
The salad: Peter picks up a takeout salad for Randi nearly every night. This errand occurs at the end of his day, often after he has already cooked separate meals for both children and has no energy to feed himself.